Sister Mary Mercedes's Little Book of Courtesy

“Etiquette embraces the rituals and practices that speak to the question – “What am I supposed to do?"

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BY REBECCA SANDBERG

“Manner is personality,” Emily Post wrote in 1992, “the outward manifestation of one’s innate character and attitude toward life”. This, when her tome, Etiquette, became the new standard in all things pertaining to propriety and American congeniality – and her delightful characters Ms. Travelswell, Mrs. Highbrow, and Mr. Chival Russ both charmed and instructed.

Almost a century prior, Sister Mary Mercedes (1871 – 1965), a Dominican Sister and a teacher for more than fifty years penned the marvelous and must read, The Book of Courtesy, in which she gives voice to Gandolf’s sentiments, “I have found that it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folks that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.” On the purpose of etiquette, Mercedes writes:

Etiquette embraces the rituals and practices that speak to the question – “What am I supposed to do?"

Courtesy

As the world becomes increasingly uninterested in social etiquette, Mercedes’s little book provides a charming – albeit indicting – look at what it means to live well with self and others when she writes:

Courtesy is a way of living inspired by thoughtfulness, consideration, and respect for others and for yourself.

Mercedes's advice on courtesy echoes that of British education reformer, Charlotte Mason, who, born just three decades prior, stated that atmosphere - space created for living in a respectful community - is the only solid space that endures.

Friendship

On friendship, she states that one of the most helpful influences in our lives is a good friend – and that to find friends, one must, of course, be introduced to people. On the art of making introductions, she concludes:

The purpose of introductions is to make people known to each other and to make guests feel welcome and comfortable. Good introductions are helpful acts and remarks that reflect respect and thoughtfulness.

On the delicate nature of keeping friends requires a genuine knowledge of good conversation:

Conversation, at its best, is a link between mind and mind by which people approach one another with sympathy and enjoyment. It can also be a source of solace and inspiration. A reciprocal act during which people simply take turns talking and listening to each other; your conversation should be stimulating enough to kindle ideas.

Adding the gentle, yet vital sentiment, “It is not your duty to be brutally honest.” - similar to the admonishment that one missed an opportunity to perhaps say nothing.

Dinner Table Decorum

Regarding decorum at the dinner table, she offers:

Be careful not to hold your knife and fork like weapons. It is perfectly proper to talk with the knife and fork in your hands, but don’t wave around a fork or any other utensil, with or without food on it.

Of the idea that the way we treat the food on our plate is a reflection of how we treat people, Emily Post states, "Nothing is less important than which fork you use. Etiquette is the science of living. It embraces everything. It is ethics. It is honor."

Public Courtesy

Manners extend beyond the table. Of the solicitude of courtesy in public and what it means to truly see others, Mercedes reminds us of three recommended principles:

The first is to treat everyone you meet with kindness. Your sensitivity toward those you meet may brighten their day.

The second is to take no one for granted. Be aware of the people around you and their rights. Don’t simply ignore people.

The third is to respect others. Be helpful to the elderly; the infirm, and the physically challenged. Tactfully offer assistance when you can.

** Mercedes wrote the original Book of Courtesy in 1920 for use at the Dominican Upper School in San Rafael, and later at the San Domenico School in San Anselmo. The class of 1950, to honor their fiftieth reunion, revised Sister Mercedes’ original volume in the hope of passing on its wisdom to their grandchildren.